Possible trigger warning for this post: this is going to be a real, raw post about my own personal experiences with abuse. I’ll have another warning right before the main part where I start listing things.
year, I have had to address a lot of things that I thought were
“resolved”. I was naïve to think that
you could just say “yes, I’m over it” and then move on. It’s not like
that. The emotional and physical traumas
we go through leave a lasting mark on our being until we actually process them. And if we go through traumas as children,
then we cannot even think about actually fully processing them and healing
until we’re adults. We are just not capable of dealing with these things as
It hit me
last night that I need to share my whole story.
I’ve told tiny bits and pieces, but never the whole thing. I am not aiming for pity, which is likely why
I never wanted to write this. I also
didn’t want judgement because let’s face it- when we go through traumas, we are
a bit broken and I didn’t want anyone to look at me that way. However, I am a
perfect example of someone that can heal and overcome these traumas and become
a new person.
I am writing
this to show that our traumas change us as people and we need to understand the
signs of this. I’m writing this to show
that it is ok to talk about these things and get help. I’m writing this to say that you do not have
to be ashamed of your experiences and that you’re not any less of a person
because of what you’ve been through.
ready to accept most of this until last year.
I was stuck in my own healing- things weren’t moving no matter what I
did for my physical health. There was
one night that I was desperate for answers and I was praying for help. The next
morning I had a message from a medical
intuitive that was a friend of a friend, and she was offering to barter
with me (HTMA for an intuitive reading- my first real taste of what it’s like
to ask the universe for help and actually get it). A lot came out of that reading, and I started
learning a bit more about emotional healing.
A few weeks later I had a similar experience- I was troubled over
something, and the next day I had a message from a practitioner friend offering
to do a dry blood analysis for me. It’s
crazy but again, a huge sign that if we ASK for help, it can show up in the
most unexpected places.
sessions prompted me to dive deep into all of this healing. Both sessions indicated
emotional traumas, and issues with my heart chakra. The dry blood analysis was a bit different
than what you’d think because the person can apparently pick up on the
emotional issues as well as the physical. I was told some very hard things that
I needed to hear: my heart was emotionally broken because of the lack of a
mother; I was throwing myself into my work to ignore my own internal anguish; I
was burnt out since childhood but making it seem like I was holding everything
together; I didn’t understand what a true family was because I had never
actually had one; and the craziest one was that I didn’t trust babysitters with
my son. All of this was 1000% true. Did
I want to hear it? Of course not. But it truly got me started- after I got off
the phone with this friend, I called the closest acupuncture office and started
going there (still going there too! I took a 6 month break this year, but I’m
back at it).
been good at asking for help. Never! I have always been the helper. So for 2
people to come into my path and offer help, it was just a huge eye opener for
me. So now it’s my turn once again to
share my own story and hope that others can benefit from it.
in mind that this is my story. We don’t
all deal with or process traumas the same way. We don’t all have the same
personality characteristics from the traumas we’ve dealt with. We won’t all heal the same way. But if something
I write can trigger an old memory to put you on the right path, or help you to
determine that you HAVE had traumas (even if you do what I did and said “nope,
I’m fine” and ignore them), then it’ll be worth it.
also keep in mind that this could be triggering if you do not want to read
have dealt with, in a partial chronological order:
My birth mother was pretty abusive. I
used to hit and yelled at quite a bit. I have a vivid memory of getting hurt
while playing when I was around 5. My hand was bleeding and I was crying, and I
ran to her and she smacked me across the face because I had been playing where
I wasn’t supposed to be playing.
When I was an adult, my grandfather
told me he used to have to pull my mother off of me often because she would
just hit the crap out of me. I don’t remember these times but it didn’t shock
me to learn about it. I was also told
around this time that my mother was born addicted to a drug and given up for
adoption- so who knows the full extent of trauma on that side of the family.
My parents divorced when I was around
4 and I remember a lot of anger and arguing around that time.
From what I remember, she was into
alcohol and possibly some drugs. One of
her long term boyfriends molested me when I was 7. She was home but I think
they were drinking or something. I went to tell her that he kept coming in my
room and she did nothing about it. The
next year it came out that he had done the same to 2 of my friends. She knew it
and yet continued to allow this man in our home. We moved to a new town and our neighbors had
4 daughters- they somehow knew what this guy had done to me and they were not
going to allow that to happen to their kids. I remember the dad throwing a
wrench at this sad excuse of a human being, and then that night I was taken
away to my grandparents. My mother went to prison for endangering the welfare
of a child. Not sure how long though. The guy got 10 years (for molesting 3
girls ages 7-12 mind you. Thanks, legal system).
I had one meeting with a CPS agent
about the molestation after I was taken to tell them what happened. That’s it.
One. No counseling. No one even mentioned what happened to me EVER. We just
pretended it didn’t happen.
When my mother was out of prison, she
tried to get visitation rights. I did not want that, and I wasn’t supposed to
see her but I did see her at the courthouse for a second with my aunt and
grandmother. Such a betrayal on their
end because they always took her side for some reason, but my grandfather
didn’t. She was denied visitation luckily. I used to visit with my aunt and
grandparents though. My aunt and grandmother used to take pictures of me to
send to my mother and I kept asking them to stop. Eventually we stopped these visits because
they wouldn’t listen and I didn’t see them for 5 years.
When I was 18, she was legally
allowed to contact me again. She found a friend of mine through Myspace (oh
those were the days) and called him at like 3am. He called me and gave me her info. I emailed
her and tried to feel the situation out. I asked why she let this happen, and
she told me that she knew he hurt me but she stole his credit cards and didn’t
want him to say anything. If she turned him in, he would have turned her in. I
told her that I didn’t want her in my life (oddly enough, she actually lived
like a block away from me at this point).
Her friends started harassing me online and at my job. I was told I was
a selfish person, horrible daughter for not wanting to see my mother. She died
maybe 6-7 years ago. Other than that glimpse at the courthouse, I hadn’t
actually seen her since I was 9 years old.
stage of my life:
So I was 9
when my dad took me to live with him. He married soon after and my new
nightmare began. This woman resented me because I “ruined” her relationship. I
was supposed to be a 2-weekend-a-month and Wednesday presence, not a full time
one. From 9-16 I was emotionally abused
by this woman, and sometimes she got physical.
The emotional was worse.
My life for about 7 years:
I was made to feel like a burden for
I was told I was an accident and not
a wanted child (even if that is true, you don’t tell that to a child)
I was told I was fat when I wasn’t,
which prompted my eating disorder from ages 12-17. I only ate 1 meal most days
in those years. I stayed thin but it cost me my health. When I started eating
normally again around age 17, I packed on 80 pounds in less than 2 years.
I was made to do most of the cleaning
in the house, based on her preferences, and if I didn’t do it right I’d be made
to do it all over again (when her own father found this out, he called me
Cinderella- he couldn’t believe it). She
had OCD so this included things like having to stack the utensils in the drawer
*perfectly* in line.
I had to ask permission to shower
everyday. If she didn’t feel like hearing the water run, I wasn’t allowed to
shower. Some times I went over a week without being allowed a shower. As a
teenager. I often felt so embarrassed at school.
If I was “bad” I would be lectured
for hours on end about how horrible a person I was. I was forced to listen to
her rant for hours. One of these rants included her throwing all of my school
art projects at me, a lot of them were heavy and ceramic and my bedroom wall had
a dent where they hit when they flew past my head.
I was told I was just like my bitch
mother- a liar, manipulator, and worse.
I had to wake up at the same time
every morning, whether there was school or not. I had to sit in my room in the
dark and wait until I had to leave for school or for her to wake up. I was not
allowed to turn my light on because that could disturb her since her room was
next to mine. If I had to go to the
bathroom I had to be incredibly quiet because she would be angry if I woke her.
Eventually the basement became my
area for when I was home and not sleeping. I was pretty much only allowed to do
school work or read. No TV or anything.
Some days she was the sweetest person
in the world. We’d go shopping, watch movies, do our nails, etc. I actually did
call her Mom despite everything.
Since I always felt like a burden, I
rarely asked to hang out with friends or go out. I got a job when I was 14 so that I could at
least be out of the house more. I had no social life.
I had no privacy. I used to love
keeping a diary but had to stop because she’d always look for it to read. She’d
inspect my drawers, my backpack, even in the inside of my covered schoolbooks. Since I was a teen, sometimes she did find
things she deemed to be inappropriate (notes from boys, or if I drew a heart
around a boys name on the book cover). That would usually create a massive
argument and another few months of being “grounded” (another reason why I
stopped asking to go out- I usually was grounded for whatever reason she made
up). I was grounded for 6 months once because of one of these instances.
When I was 16, there was an instance
where she pushed me hard against the kitchen counter because I was wearing
perfume (something I wasn’t technically supposed to do but I developed a phobia
of being stinky thanks to her so I became obsessed with perfume and lotion).
That was it for me. It was a Friday night, and I stayed up most of that night
so I could wait until early morning (like 4am) to tell my dad that I couldn’t
take it anymore. I went to work with him that day and I think I had my own work
that night. I think that night I tried to run away too. I just couldn’t face going
back into that house again. But because I didn’t have bruises, the cops and CPS
didn’t really care about what I said.
I lived there for about 7 more months.
They were remodeling the place and we all had to leave for a few weeks so I
stayed at a friend’s house. I was told they’d be back at a certain day, but I
had to drive past sooner- and they were all already home. I decided I wasn’t
going back after that. I knew I wasn’t wanted there and I knew it was a toxic
place so I lived with my friend for a few more months until her family kicked
me out. I had to find somewhere else to live, which I luckily did. During this
time, I started getting chronic migraines, all over body pain, depression,
anxiety, etc. The beginning of the “fibro”, and it coincided with me starting
the birth control pill which definitely didn’t help things.
My senior year of high school was
miserable. My few friends that I did have abandoned me because I was so
depressed and because I was always grumpy because of the pain. I would go to school (half days for seniors),
sleep for 3-4 hours, go to work for the night, sleep 10-12 hours and then do it
all again. I won’t go into the physical health stuff here- I do have more about
that in this post: https://www.sassyholistics.com/2019/09/08/my-story-of-healing/
is about the bulk of it. Pretty much all of the horrible stuff was before age
17. A few other things that I can
include as traumas that I’ve had since then include:
More doctors from ages 17-23.
Countless prescriptions and tests only to be told to lose weight. Most didn’t
care or believe in my symptoms. The last
doc I tried gave me a pill that made me feel incredibly violent and scared-
they just said “cut it in half then” as the solution.
Having a child when I had no real
mother has been rough.
Pregnancy itself seems to have
triggered a lot of these underlying emotional issues to resurface but it took a
long time to feel physically strong enough to tackle them.
The birth of my son itself wasn’t
great and I do hope to heal that one day.
Since I had no mother or any other female to help me, I was pretty lost.
The midwife was just a “catcher” so she didn’t really help. I ended up completely
failing my whole birth plan and had a c-section. The midwife told me “sometimes
babies are just little asshole and things don’t go our way” when I begged to
not have the surgery. Gee, thanks. Super helpful.
We had no help when our son was born
either. My in-laws had to take custody
of their grandson that was born just a few days before our son and had their
hands full. The one time I asked for
help, for just a day to myself, I was told that I just needed to exercise more
(no wonder why new mothers are so depressed when you have “advice” like this).
Living in an apartment with mold
(with no where else to go) has been pretty traumatic as well. But living here and experiencing this is what
got me to finally solve the rest of my health issues, so while it sucks, I can understand
the journey now that I am almost out on the other side.
these things might seem “little” to people too. But I think what we need to
understand is that we can have one huge thing that happens to us, or a ton of
little things. If you are under a constant attack of one negative experience
after another, it absolutely will bring you down! Just because someone else thinks that what YOU
dealt with isn’t traumatic doesn’t mean it’s not. We’ve gone too long with the mentality of “just
suck it up” or just ignoring it completely.
We are all human. We all have
emotions, and we are allowed to process our emotions in a healthy way.
these traumas did to me:
No boundaries AT ALL. I always worked
soooo much in my previous jobs (and I have done the same with my own business). I used to work 2 jobs for years, usually working
6-7 days a week and sometimes from 8am to 9-10pm. I was always trying to be the best worker I could
be, but now I see that working like this is a way to escape from real
life. I didn’t want to be alone with
myself so I worked myself into burnout.
I never asked for help. I learned from an early age that no one was
there to help me or save me so I just stopped asking. I always did everything myself. I can’t say this is much better still because
it’s still hard to depend on anyone these days, but at least I can understand
why I got this way.
I’ve always had anxiety- this started
at an early age too. I remember being 13 and for some reason I started getting
scared that my birth mother was going to come and kidnap me, so I wanted to
have thick curtains on my windows to hide me (yea, don’t know why curtains
would help, but you know anxiety).
Very low self esteem of course. How could anyone have self esteem after all
of that? I grew up thinking I was a
horrible person, I was useless, evil. So
I hated myself for a long time. I have only been able to realize how wrong this
was in the last few months. I am awesome now 😉
It took me a LONG time to understand
what a real relationship was. For the
few major relationships in my life, I can see now that there was no real attachment
there. It was co-dependency. Even with my husband now, it took me a long
time to break free from that.
How I have found healing
mentioned, I was lucky enough to have 2 people pin point a few things that I
really needed to work on. I got right to work with acupuncture and started
learning more about healing emotional wounds. Since January of this year, I have been using
crystals as a part of my journey. I started
actually listening to myself instead of shutting myself out. I learned about the things I actually like to
do. I started saying no to things I didn’t
agree with or didn’t want to do. I found
real friends that understand me and I talk to them regularly.
I also found
a band that talks about self-love and happiness- and to be honest, these boys
are the ones that pulled me out of the hardest part of all of this about a year
and a half ago. Hearing the message “I
am the one I should love in this world”, and “you can’t stop me loving myself”
was life changing. They were saying
something that should be instilled in all of us at a young age, but this world
and our society has failed us, turning us into little worker ants instead of
actual, living humans. The band is BTS
if anyone wants to check them out. Music
has always been healing for me, but this band really changed everything for
me. I highly recommend the tracks
Epiphany, Answer: Love Myself, and the whole mixtape from the leader RM called
internal dialogue was another huge helper. I started to realize that my
thoughts weren’t really mine- they were due to the traumas. I was stuck in “hate myself, be scared of
everything” mode. When I would have a negative thought, I would listen to it
and think about where it was coming from.
Was I tired? Detoxing? Was there a full moon? I started learning my triggers and as time
went on I was able to calm myself down. In
the last few weeks, I feel like this has completely changed. No more negative dialogue. No more fear. I feel peaceful for the first time in my
So in a
nutshell, what I’ve done: crystals, acupuncture, eating as well as I could, adrenal
support, less working, more play, listening to music that I love, and talking
your own trauma
It is not
always easy. There will be hard work. You have to do what resonates with you. That is going to be the main thing to keep in
mind when you are heading on this path.
There are MANY modalities for healing, and that is because we won’t all
respond the same to the same modalities.
Read about a few. See what makes
the most sense to you based on the work you’re willing to do right now, your
budget, your time, etc.
who you are as a person. Realize your triggers
for anxiety, fear, depression, or other emotions. Do what I’ve just done- write out everything
that you feel has been stressful or traumatic for you and if you have never processed
those emotions from those experiences then it’s a good sign that you will need
to work on this type of healing.
others get in your head either. No more
of this “just move on” business. People
are hurting badly these days and a lot of healing needs to happen, both physically
Writing this all out has given me the biggest epiphany as well. I am going back to school to get my masters in transformational therapy to try and figure out how to help more people get out of these trauma cycles.
I promise that as I learn more, I will update this.
Psychologist is a page I recently found and I cannot recommend it enough. Her
posts are the MOST helpful I have ever seen in explaining why we become the way
we do if we’ve dealt with childhood trauma. She has quite a bit about
reparenting too- how to learn how to parent when you’ve dealt with abuse from
your own parents. https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/
Look into local modalities as well if that suits you better- find an acupuncturist, a therapist, an EMDR specialist.
Understand that you might need to try a few modalities and see if they’re a good fit. One session of anything won’t really show you much, so have patience with the process.
Realize that YOU are worth the time to heal. You are worth the investment in your health. Healing yourself will also help to heal your kids if you are a parent. Healing yourself can also encourage family members to take the same path. This world needs us to heal, even if it’s just one person at a time.
Understand that the lifestyle and nutritional aspects are huge as well.
My name is Kristin, and I've been on the path to help people achieve better health using whole food nutrition, mineral balancing, and holistic healing principles for almost 7 years now. The body is a whole and we must treat it as such! I have my Bachelor of Science in Natural Health Sciences, certificates in Herbal Studies from Herbal Academy, and I am constantly learning more about health to help my clients and followers.